The Other Side of the Window

Back at the Orphanage

Mindy Slaughter — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 15:05:03 +0000

Huong and Aubrey

It has been over8 months since we have been allowed to meet regularly with the kids. Miraculously after almost giving up hope we have been invited back. A few weeks ago on Easter Sunday we went back for the first time.

We arrived at the orphanage Sunday morning with Aubrey in hand. They had never met Aubrey and she was an instant star. The children ran up to us excited to see us. We soon had a small crowd gathered around us. Each child smiled at Aubrey and wanted to hold her. These children are used to taking care of each other so they are very good with babies. We let the older children hold her. Aubrey responded with her usual crowd pleasing smiles and giggles. When she smiled the crowd erupted with shouts of “Cui!Cui!” Which means “smile! Smile!” We were led into the orphanage house were we usually teach. We sat on the wooden bench and were served tea. All around us children wanted to hold Aubrey and touch her face.

the kids meet Aubrey

She got a bit tired of all of the attention and let out a couple of screams. This did not have her desired affect though as the children just found it adorable. As if this all wasn’t crazy enough a few minutes later a camera man and reporter arrived. They had come to do a story on the orphanage but instead decided to follow Aubrey around and video tape her.

camera man filming Aubrey

Aubrey is so used to this amount of attention she didn’t seem bothered by it. She just went about playing with all the kids and making them laugh. The kids were so sweet to her. When they noticed she looked tired they would take her to me or Dan and place her on our laps they would then scold the younger children when they got her too excited.

Soon Dan and I got out our Easter eggs and began having an Easter egg hunt with the kids. It took them a while to figure out what we were doing but once they understood they were super excited. They ran past each other grabbing eggs and running over to us holding the eggs for us to see. “Yes, good find more.” We would say and then they would run off trying to find more. Some times they almost dove on top of each other to get eggs. Over and over again we hid eggs for them and then they hid them for us. But eventually it was time to go. We gathered our eggs and other materials. We wrapped Aubrey into her Moby wrap and then turned to say goodbye. The kids gathered around us looking sad. I wondered if they knew we were coming back. Hung reached forward and hugged me tightly. Dan pulled Tuan against his leg giving him a side hug. I looked at the other children and they all watched us sadly. “Goodbye” I said smiling widely because of what I could say next. “See you next week.”

Performance

Mindy Slaughter — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 14:50:37 +0000

We stood awkwardly at the back of a large crowd waiting to see if the kids would notice us. I felt like I was in middle school again standing shyly by the wall during a school dance. We were not sure how the kids would respond when they saw us. We doubted they had been told that we have been trying to see them for months. We wondered if they would be hurt that we haven’t come or maybe they would be angry with us. We just weren’t sure how to approach them. So we stood there waiting. We had been invited to go to a performance that the kids from the orphanage were giving in the city center. It would be our first time to see the kids in months. This was a special day for the kids. Orphanages all over this area all prepared performances for this special event. We had no idea what the even was but everyone else did. An impressive crowd numbering in the hundrerds had come to watch.

We saw our kids long before they saw us. They were all dressed in brightly colored clothes , they chatted with each other excitedly as they waited their turn to perform. Huong was the first to see us. She is one of the oldest girls. She is 18, she turned and saw us. Looking surprised she greeted us with a large smile. We responded with smiles and greetings but then we were out of words that we could communicate and soon she awkwardly walked away. Then Phuong saw us. Her whole face lit up when she did and she turned and ran to us at full speed as if she was going to run up and hug us. She stopped just short of us “Dan! Mindy!” she yelled in excitement. I reached down and hugged her tightly. “Choa Em Phuong” (Hello Phuong). Never in my time living here had I wished I could speak the language more than at that moment. I wanted to tell her how much we missed her and everyone else. I wanted her to know that we have been trying to come every week. I wanted her to know that we love her and the others. I wanted to ask what they had been up to. How was school? How are her friends? It was killing me not to be able to say these things. But then Phuong grabbed my hand and cuddled up against my arm propping her head against me. She smilled over at Dan. She needed no words, she was happy just to be next to Dan and I. Soon other children came running over to join us, Thu Anh, Quin, Mai Anh, and many other children all ran over to see us.

A few minutes later it was their turn to perform. Dan and I now stood proudly at the back watching the kids dance and sing. They were fantastic as usual, they danced graciously, their singing was beautiful and all of it looked so well reheresed. Several times we caught Phuong looking out into the audience and when she saw us she broke into a huge smile. After the show we went and found all of the kids again. They surrounded us in a mob. We shook their hands and hugged them telling them how great they were. A man with a camera came by to take their picture and we started to step out of the way. Dan! Mindy! Come! They all yelled. We stepped into the picture and they threw their arms around us smiling for the camera. For the first time in months we were back with our kids. Life felt right again.

Rural orphanage

Mindy Slaughter — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 07:56:06 +0000

She couldn’t hold her head up. Like the neck of a newborn baby hers was to weak to support her own head. I craddled her gently and swatted away the flies that were so attracted to her tiny face. I asked the orphanage Nanny how old this baby was. “8 months old” the woman replied. My mind instantly flashed to a memory with my daughter from earlier that morning. She stood holding on to the side of the pack-n-play proud that she was able to hold herself up. She beamed over at me as I snapped photos. My daughter was 2 months younger than this girl. ’How could this baby not hold her own head?’ I wondered. I knew the answer to that question but I wished I didn’t. Unlike my daughter this baby did not live in a loving home with hands ready to hold her when she needed to be held. She did not get sat up or played with in all the ways my daughter does or most other babies do. This little baby hasn’t had the chance to develop her neck muscles. Not even enough to hold up her own head. Unlike my daughter she spends her day laying in a metal bed that looks like a cage. She shares this bed with 4 other babies all of whom have bed sores covering their bodies, open sores oozing from their heads. They don’t really cry much. This baby just whimpers and tries to cry, her voice is hoarse as if she has lost it. This little baby lives in an orphanage in a rural part of this country. Unfortunately the orphanages that are further from the cities tend to get less support and in some cases like in the case of this orphanage they need more support. I took a two-hour drive out to the orphanage one Saturday morning with a group from my school. I had been warned that it would make me cry. We came bearing gifts of milk, toys, blankets and other supplies but the one thing we couldn’t bring was more staff to work with these kids and that was what this orphanage desperately needs. This orphanage houses children from newborn up to adult and many of them are disabled. The problem is that these children need more help and support than other children would and unlike other orphanages these children don’t grow up and then become able to help the younger children. Even when the babies grow up they still need to be fed and washed and changed. But they don’t have enough staff for this, so the end result is that the staff works hard but is never able to support the needs of the kids. We walked in and were greeted by kids who ran up to the van. One kid grabbed me by the hand and led me into a dark room, in this room one child sat with his legs folded beneath him he had a shirt wrapped around him as a diaper and he banged his head against the floor repeatedly. The smell of urine in the room was overwhelming. The kid pulled me over to this other small boy and pointed at him. He then grabbed me a milk that my school had brought and motioned for me to feed him. I knelt down besides the small boy and he wrapped his legs and then arms around me. I sat down and fed him the milk. I could feel that he was peeing on me but I didn’t care at all. My heart was breaking for this child. I couldn’t sit with him long though because the other little boy grabbed my hand again and led me over to another child this one was digging his fingers into his eyes. Again I fed this boy, again my heart was breaking. As I spent time in this orphanage it became clear that the children lived in poor conditions, dark rooms, metal beds. They were rarely changed and fed. Their food was basically porridge that they ate from metal bowls. Porridge is easy to make and the nannies can feed several of the children at once this way. Flies swarmed around the faces of most of the children. But as bad as things looked they could have been worse. They had been worse. Only a few months earlier the children slept on metal bars. They had no mattresses at all. This way the nannies didn’t have to worry about cleaning diapers or bedding. The children just went to the bathroom right on their metal slats. But some coworkers of mine had seen this and raised money to buy bed sets for the children. So now the children slept on mattresses. They still lay in metal cage like beds but at least they had mattresses. My school had supplied all sorts of other necessary things to make life better for these kids, food, radios, toys, etc. But more than anything it was these Saturday visits that made a difference. We swarmed the orphanage like the flies at this place finding all of the children. We held them, swayed them back and forth, sang to them, fed them, played football with them, we did what they needed. We showed them love. But I can’t help but want to cry for the 8 month old child that lay whimpering in my arms and all of the other kids at the other orphanages even further from the city. Who will hold those children?

thank you

Mindy Slaughter — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 15:02:20 +0000

Thank you. Those are the simplest words to express my gratitude but the only ones that really fit. When the director of the orphanage told me he needed winter clothes for the kids I wrote about that here and I also contacted my Mom. Her and Rob immediately contacted some friends and family members. Within less than two weeks we had enough money donated to buy the kids winter clothes and left over money for future orphanage needs. It was hard to believe just how generous people had been and how quickly we were able to purchase winter clothes for the kids. Dan and I arrived at the orphanage a few weeks ago carrying heavy, full bags of children’s clothes. Dan later told me that he felt like Santa Clause. It was amazing to see the kids again. They ran up to us, hugging our legs. “Oh I missed you so much” I said even though they couldn’t understand me. I pulled the children into a hug against me and wished I could hug them like that for hours. Dan opened up one of the bags and went to the first home.

Santa Dan

There he was greeted by giddy house Mom’s. They shook his hand and chatted away to him. Thank you, thank you! they would say over and over again in their langauge as Dan pulled out the clothes and matched them with the names on our list. One by one the children came up to Dan and received their clothes. Some of the children looked confused as they were handed the clothes. But most of the children acted as if they were given the most precious gift. I remember Thu Anh standing waiting for Dan to pull out her clothes. She smiled widely as he took out a pair of blue pants and a warm jacket. When he handed it to her she held it tightly against her and rushed off before she remembered to turn around and say thank you. Then she rushed over to her friends who giggled with her and helped her put on her warm clothes. Later Diep stood waiting for his clothes. When Dan pulled out a thick brown jacket and pants his mouth dropped open before it pulled into a huge grin. He also hugged the clothes against himself.

all smiles

As I watched all of this happen, these sweet children getting clothed for the winter, I couldn’t help but think about my friends and family that made it all possible. I think now about it and it makes me happy all over again. I think of the people I know back home who are thousands of miles from these children. Friends and family who will never get to meet these kids but yet they are willing to sacrifice for them. This winter 38 kids will not be cold because of you. This winter they have nice warm clothes to keep them warm and cozy. But more than that, they know someone cares for them. People thousands of miles away care for them. They know it, I could see it in their smiles. When you see a smile like that there is nothing else to say but thank you.

winter clothes

Mindy Slaughter — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 12:14:47 +0000

summer at the orphanage

It has been months now since I have been allowed to go to the orphanage and it doesn’t look like I will be allowed to go regularly for sometime. The last time I went was my birthday in October. It was an unusually cold night and the children looked cold. They wore thin long sleeve shirts and sat pressing against me for warmth. My friend Diep coughed and sniffled and told me he was sick. But he smiled a frosting covered smile as he ate the birthday cake.

To say that it saddens me not to see the kids weekly would be an understatement. Just thinking about the kids now makes my eyes water. But while I can’t go see the kids weekly I can now support them in other ways. I recently contacted the director and asked about any needs of the orphanage. I had thought about getting the kids holiday presents and throwing a party. But his needs were much more urgent. The orphanage recently finished a new home and with that home they have room for more kids. This is great news but with more kids they also have a need for more supplies. At the moment the director has 38 children from ages 2-9 who don’t have any winter clothes. He was embarrassed to ask me to help buy clothes for the kids but the kids really need something to wear so he had to ask. I am excited about being able to help these kids. It is not very cold here yet but it will get cold and the homes here are not insulated and they are made of cement so it feels very cold. I can picture the kids in their thin long sleeve shirts huddled next to me for warmth. I would love to be able to put a nice warm jacket on them.

If you would like to help buy these kids winter clothes it would be greatly appreciated. It costs about 10 dollars to buy a child a pair of pants, and a jacket. Therefore, even a small amount of money would really help. Any extra funds will be put in an account that will be used for future needs for the orphanage. One foreseeable need is a tutoring program to help the students pass the college entrance exam. I will write more about that later.

So although at the moment I can’t visit the orphanage weekly, I am excited to be able to partner up with anyone out there who would like to help these kids. Please feel no pressure at all to do so. I understand there are lots of great organizations with needs. But some of you have been asking me for months how you could help and I finally have an answer for you. Please contact Rob or Glenda at robglenda@msn.com

They will be working through an NGO to forward any donations to this orphanage project. They will give you details on what to do. Thank you so much for your support

still can’t go

Mindy Slaughter — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 06:30:26 +0000

I haven’t been to the orphanage in what feels like forever. At first I couldn’t go because I had just had a baby and Vietnamese don’t approve of mothers leaving the house for at least a month after the child is born but traditionally it is 3 months. So I waited 3 weeks before going. But then H1 N1 came around and the director asked me not to come for a while. He said they weren’t allowing visitors because they were afraid of the flu. I can accept that explanation but in the back of my mind I figured I could go back the next week or the week after that. Each week I call the director hopeful that he will let me come but each week he apologizes and tells me their are flu cases in the area that the orphanage is. As each week passed I read stories of H1 N1 spreading in Hanoi. I realized that it won’t get better any time soon. My fear was that I won’t be able to go to the orphanage until next spring or even longer. I can’t tell you how hard that would be. I miss those kids like I miss family and the thought of missing all that time with them kills me. It makes me wonder what the point of being all the way over here is if I can’t be helping the people I came here to help. So this week I thought about what I would say to the director when I called him. Perhaps I could explain that I am on maternity leave so I am not around kids during the week therefore I am not a likely canidite to have H1 N1. Or maybe I could just explain how much I miss the kids. Or maybe he is not worried about the kids but worried about me bcause I just had a baby so maybe I could tell him that Dan could come instead. When I went to call the director I found myself nervouse. I felt like a 13 year old girl about to call the boy she likes. My mouth felt a bit dry , I rehearsed what I would say over and over before finally dialing the number. The director answered and I found myself asking if I could drop off some books and clothes for the kids. “I am sorry the flu…” he began to explain. My heart dropped. I wondered again if perhaps he was concerned about me and my baby. ”What if my husband dropped it off for me?” I asked hopefully. He took a second to answer. ”Yes okay, when could your husband come.” I wanted to do a little jump for joy. We arranged for Dan to come on Saturday morning. I still won’t be able to come and from the sound of things I may not be able to come for months. The director is concerned for my baby and although Dan is almost as likely to get Aubrey sick as I am I must respect the directors wishes. He always seems to have good intentions. At least Dan can tell me how the kids are. At least he can play with them for me. I will settle for living vicariously through him.

life moving too fast

Mindy Slaughter — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 08:55:11 +0000

I shared a taxi with a man today. He turned to me and said “Everyone tells you this and you don’t believe it until it happens but trust me they grow up so fast. I swear my 8 year old daughter was a baby just yesterday.” Aubrey was looking up at him and smiling at him. He was melting with each smile she flashed. I looked out the window and saw Vietnam rushing by. What this man didn’t realize was that I do believe him. I looked out my window as proof of how quickly life can come at you. Almost anyone who visits this city talks about how chaotic it is. There are thousands of sounds, smells and sights coming at you at all times. The honk of motorcycles, constructions and squawking chickens are constant background noise. In order to truly enjoy Hanoi you must force yourself to slow down, to take one piece of it at a time and really see it. You must look past the traffic and watch the woman sitting with her sister braiding her hair, the sister turns back and says something that makes them both fall into laughter. You must forget about the construction noise and watch the workers on their lunch break arms draped around each others shoulders bent over a game over mahjong. You must slow down and notice the old lady limping by, her granddaughter holding her hand, the children on bikes racing each other home from school, the family having a picnic of barbecued squid in front of the lake, the two friends dancing together in the cool of the evening, the woman carrying baskets over her shoulder with flowers for sale. These are the things about Hanoi that are coming by you a million miles an hour and if you don’t stop to enjoy them you will miss them altogether. When I turn from the window and look down at Aubrey I know that her childhood will move just as quickly and the best way I can enjoy that childhood is to slow myself down and enjoy all the little things. The smell of the top of her head when I kiss it, the feel of her fingers grasping my shirt when I feed her, the turn of her lips as she smiles at Dan, the tilt of her eyebrow as she studies me, the sound of her voice when she is happy, the warmth of her body as she falls asleep in my arms. I take each of these moments, holding them in my mind, tasting the sweetness of the memory as it happens. Just like living in Hanoi I will not be able to slow life down. Aubrey will still grow up too fast and Hanoi will still throw life at me at warp speed. But this way I will take the time to enjoy it.

My Nieghbor

Mindy Slaughter — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 08:03:20 +0000

Her baby is a few months older than mine. He has a cute giggle that he uses when he sees my baby Aubrey. This woman and her baby are my neighbors. I pass by her almost daily on my walks out of the house or on my way to catch a taxi. We exchange smiles and take the time to admire each others babies, the way good neighbors do. But our relationship as neighbors is not the same as others I have had. In fact our relationship bothers me a great deal. That’s because she lives in a shack next to the lake while I live in a 3 story house next to the lake. Her husband is a contruction worker, working on the road in front of my house. In Vietnam construction workers build temporary shacks out of bamboo and live at the construction sites. She has lived here as long as I have. Her home has no doors or windows, only open spaces. Her bed is a bamboo platform with no mattress which is also used as her table and place to sit. She takes showers in the lake and uses that as her bathroom. She cooks above an open flame using firewood that she has collected. Many people around the world live this way and only in my western mindset is this automatically seen as a bad thing. Many people living this way are perfectly happy and content as long as they have food on the plate. And most would never consider themselves poor. I don’t know if this woman and her baby feel that way or not. I don’t know if she always has enough to eat or if she goes hungry some nights. But I do know that her house has no doors and the walls have many spaces between them. I know that her home could not keep out wind or rain and definitely not heat. So on the many days when I sit inside keeping my baby cool in the airconditioning I think of her fanning her baby by hand in her hot bamboo hut. And on the many nights that the storsms come and I watch the palm trees shake violently in the wind and the rain fly sideways against my window I pull my baby into bed with me and think of my neighbor trying to keep her baby dry. And when my baby gets sick and I take her to my western certified Peditrician I think of my neighbor and wonder what she does when her baby gets sick. And in these moments I can’t help but think with a huge amount of guilt that perhaps Dan and I never made it to the other side of the window but rather got a front row seat to look at it.

H1 N1

Mindy Slaughter — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 04:53:07 +0000

At first I thought it was overblown media hype similar to Y2K. After all, the regular flu is more widespread than H1 N1 and also has a similar fatality rate. But there must be something more to it than just media hype. Because the media doesn’t cause so many countries to take the type of precautions that Vietnam is now taking. When you go to the airport everyone is wearing masks, schools have been closed on and off for the past several weeks and after school activities have been cancelled. The precaution that saddens me the most is that no visitors are allowed into the orphanage for the time being. It has been that way now for several weeks and could possibly be that way for months. It is almost painful not to be able to see the kids for so long and not to know when I will see them again. But if it helps keep them healthy than I am glad they are being cautious. So for now, no visits to the orphanage.

Learning to be a Mom from the best

Mindy Slaughter — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 05:00:51 +0000

3 generations

Aubrey was crying that shrill desperately frustrated sort of cry that breaks your heart. I had been trying to feed her for what felt like eternity and she just wasn’t taking it. She would try for a while then start crying again, waving her arms around, squishing up her face and turning bright red in frustration. I tried everything I could think of, switched sides, held her this way and that, burped her, walked around, positioned myself every which way and it only resulted in more crying. I was feeling increasingly frustrated and incompetent. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I lay her down next to me. “I can’t feed her. Nothing is working. I don’t understand.” I said my voice straining. Mom sat across from me, patiently waiting, not judging or saying a word. Then she walked over and calmly picked up Aubrey. I watched as she walked Aubrey around rocking her in her arms Aubrey’s cries became less desperate and eventually subsided. “It’s alright Mindy, you are doing fine. Now try again.” Her voice was reassuring and gentle. I felt like I could melt into her arms like I did as a child. “But Mom it won’t work. She just gets frustrated.” I whined. Again she didn’t judge or argue. “Just try again honey.” Somehow her voice convinced me that magically it would work this time. I tried again and sure enough it worked this time. Mom had calmed us both down.

My Mom flew all the way over here to be with us for Aubrey’s first month of life. For me it was a lifesaver. It was a chance to learn how to be a Mom from the perfect example. I couldn’t think of anyone better to learn from. She taught me many practical things like bathing from the head down and how to know when my baby needed burping. I watched as she eagerly changed diapers, laughed when she got pooped on and spit up on, left her warm dinner to hold a crying baby and sang Aubrey gently to sleep. Nothing seemed to bother her. Even the difficult things seemed to give her pleasure. As time drew closer to when Mom would leave we sat in her guest room with Aubrey sleeping peacefully between us. Tears filled both of our eyes. “I don’t know what I will do when you leave.” I felt I still had so much to learn. I wasn’t sure how to be a Mom still. What would I do when Aubrey got sick what about making a schedule for her? I didn’t know how to do that. How would I know when to pick Aubrey up or let her cry? I tried to convince Mom to stay for longer. I even looked up plane tickets for a later date. “You will be just fine. You are a great Mom.” She said reassuringly. I thought back to the time Aubrey had cried so hard at breast-feeding. I thought about the patience and love she displayed in that moment. It was then that I realized Mom actually had taught me everything I needed to be a good Mom. She hadn’t just been teaching me for the last month. She had been teaching me all my life. I thought about the endless amount of patience she always showed us as children, the way she was able to laugh even through the difficult times and mostly the love that she showered on all of us. Those were the things I needed to do as a Mom. And when I looked down at my beautiful baby lying between Mom and I, I knew without a doubt that I could do it. I knew exactly how to be a Mom.

Aubrey and her Grandma G.